Although these tips are for parents, they can be used by adults more
generally in their relationships with teenagers. Parents (especially those
who are single or working long hours) often turn to other adults for help
in raising their children and teens. If all these caring adults are on
the same "wavelength" about the issues covered here, young people
are given more consistent messages.
1. Be clear about your own sexual values and attitudes. Communicating
with your children about sex, love, and relationships is often more successful
when you are certain in your own mind about these issues.
To help clarify your attitudes and values, think about the following
kinds of questions:
What do you really think about school-aged teenagers being sexually
active-perhaps even becoming parents?
Who is responsible for setting sexual limits in a relationship and how
is that done, realistically?
Were you sexually active as a teenager and how do you feel about that
now? Were you sexually active before you were married? What do such
reflections lead you to say to your own children about these issues?
What do you think about encouraging teenagers to abstain from sex?
What do you think about teenagers using contraception?
2. Talk with your children early and often about sex, and be specific.
Kids have lots of questions about sex, and they often say that the source
they'd most like to go to for answers is their parents.
Start the conversation, and make sure that it is honest, open, and respectful.
If you can't think of how to start the discussion, consider using situations
shown on television or in movies as conversation starters.
Tell them candidly and confidently what you think and why you take these
positions; if you're not sure about some issues, tell them that, too.
Be sure to have a two-way conversation, not a one-way lecture. Ask them
what they think and what they know so you can correct misconceptions.
Ask what, if anything, worries them. Age-appropriate conversations about
relationships and intimacy should begin early in a child's life and
continue through adolescence.
Resist the idea that there should be just one conversation about all
this - you know, "the talk." The truth is that parents and
kids should be talking about sex and love all along. This applies to
both sons and daughters and to both mothers and fathers, incidentally.
All kids need a lot of communication, guidance, and information about
these issues, even if they sometimes don't appear to be interested in
what you have to say. And if you have regular conversations, you won't
worry so much about making a mistake or saying something not quite right,
because you'll always be able to talk again.
Many inexpensive books and videos are available to help with any detailed
information you might need, but don't let your lack of technical information
make you shy.
Kids need as much help in understanding the meaning of sex as they do
in understanding how all the body parts work. Tell them about love and
sex, and what the difference is.
And remember to talk about the reasons that kids find sex interesting
and enticing; discussing only the "downside" of unplanned
pregnancy and disease misses many of the issues on teenagers' minds.
Here are the kinds of questions kids say they want to discuss:
How do I know if I'm in love? Will sex bring me closer to my girlfriend/boyfriend?
How will I know when I'm ready to have sex? Should I wait until marriage?
Will having sex make me popular? Will it make me more grown-up and open
up more adult activities to me?
How do I tell my boyfriend that I don't want to have sex without losing
him or hurting his feelings?
How do I manage pressure from my girlfriend to have sex?
How does contraception work? Are some methods better than others? Are
they safe?
Can you get pregnant the first time? In addition to being an "askable
parent," be a parent with a point of view. Tell your children what
you think. Don't be reluctant to say, for example:
I think kids in high school are too young to have sex, especially
given today's risks.
Whenever you do have sex, always use protection against pregnancy
and sexually transmitted diseases until you are ready to have a child.
Our family's religion says that sex should be an expression of love
within marriage.
Finding yourself in a sexually charged situation is not unusual; you
need to think about how you'll handle it in advance. Have a plan.
Will you say "no"? Will you use contraception? How will
you negotiate all this?
It's okay to think about sex and to feel sexual desire. Everybody
does! But it's not okay to get pregnant/get somebody pregnant as a
teenager.
One of the many reasons I'm concerned about teens drinking is that
it often leads to unprotected sex.
(For boys) Having a baby doesn't make you a man. Being able to wait
and acting responsibly does.
(For girls) You don't have to have sex to keep a boyfriend. If sex
is the price of a close relationship, find someone else. By the way,
research clearly shows that talking with your children about sex does
not encourage them to become sexually active. And remember, too, that
your own behavior should match your words. The "do as I say,
not as I do" approach is bound to lose with children and teenagers,
who are careful and constant observers of the adults in their lives.
3. Supervise and monitor your children and adolescents.
Establish rules, curfews, and standards of expected behavior, preferably
through an open process of family discussion and respectful communication.
If your children get out of school at 3 pm and you don't get home from
work until 6 pm, who is responsible for making certain that your children
are not only safe during those hours, but also are engaged in useful
activities?
Where are they when they go out with friends? Are there adults around
who are in charge?
Supervising and monitoring your kids' whereabouts
doesn't make you a nag;
it makes you a parent.
4. Know your children's friends and their families. Friends have
a strong influence on each other, so help your children and teenagers
become friends with kids whose families share your values. Some parents
of teens even arrange to meet with the parents of their children's friends
to establish common rules and expectations. It is easier to enforce a
curfew that all your child's friends share rather than one that makes
him or her different-but even if your views don't match those of other
parents, hold fast to your convictions. Welcome your children's friends
into your home and talk to them openly.
5. Discourage early, frequent, and steady dating. Group activities
among young people are fine and often fun, but allowing teens to begin
steady, one-on-one dating much before age 16 can lead to trouble. Let
your child know about your strong feelings about this throughout childhood-don't
wait until your young teen proposes a plan that differs from your preferences
in this area; otherwise, he or she will think you just don't like the
particular person or invitation.
6. Take a strong stand against your daughter dating a boy significantly
older than she is.And don't allow your son to develop an intense
relationship with a girl much younger than he is. Older guys can seem
glamorous to a young girl-sometimes they even have money and a car to
boot! But the risk of matters getting out of hand increases when the guy
is much older than the girl. Try setting a limit of no more than a two
(or at most three) year age difference. The power differences between
younger girls and older boys or men can lead girls into risky situations,
including unwanted sex and sex with no protection.
7. Help your teenagers to have options for the future that are more
attractive than early pregnancy and parenthood. The chances that your
children will delay sex, pregnancy, and parenthood are significantly increased
if their futures appears bright. This means helping them set meaningful
goals for the future, talking to them about what it takes to make future
plans come true, and helping them reach their goals.
Tell them, for example, that if they want to be a teacher, they will
need to stay in school in order to earn various degrees and pass certain
exams.
It also means teaching them to use free time in a constructive way,
such as setting aside certain times to complete homework assignments.
Explain how becoming pregnant or causing pregnancy can derail the best
of plans; for example, child care expenses can make it almost impossible
to afford college.
Community service, in particular, not only teaches job skills, but can
also put teens in touch with a wide variety of committed and caring
adults.
8. Let your kids know that you value education highly. Encourage
your children to take school seriously and set high expectations about
their school performance.
School failure is often the first sign of trouble that can end in teenage
parenthood.
Be very attentive to your children's progress in school and intervene
early if things aren't going well.
Keep track of your children's grades and discuss them together.
Meet with teachers and principals, guidance counselors, and coaches.
Limit the number of hours your teenager gives to part-time jobs (20
hours per week should be the maximum) so that there is enough time and
energy left to focus on school.
Know about homework assignments and support your child in getting them
done.
Volunteer at the school, if possible. Schools want more parental involvement
and will often try to accommodate your work schedule, if asked.
9. Know what your kids are watching, reading, and listening to.
The media (television, radio, movies, music videos, magazines, the Internet)
are chock full of material sending the wrong messages. Sex rarely has
meaning, unplanned pregnancy seldom happens, and few people having sex
ever seem to be married or even especially committed to anyone. Is this
consistent with your expectations and values? If not, it is important
to talk with your children about what the media portray and what you think
about it.
If certain programs or movies offend you, say so, and explain why.
Be "media literate"-think about what you and your family are
watching and reading.
Encourage your kids to think critically: ask them what they think about
the programs they watch and the music they listen to.
You can always turn the TV off, cancel subscriptions, and place certain
movies off limits.
You will probably not be able to fully control what your children see
and hear, but you can certainly make your views known and control your
own home environment.
10. These first nine tips for helping your children avoid teen pregnancy
work best when they occur as part of strong, close relationships with
your children that are built from an early age. Strive for a relationship
that is warm in tone, firm in discipline, and rich in communication, and
one that emphasizes mutual trust and respect.
There is no single way to create such relationships, but the following
habits of the heart can help:
Express love and affection clearly and often. Hug your children, and
tell them how much they mean to you. Praise specific accomplishments,
but remember that expressions of affection should be offered freely,
not just for a particular achievement.
Listen carefully to what your children say and pay thoughtful attention
to what they do.
Spend time with your children engaged in activities that suit their
ages and interests, not just yours. Shared experiences build a "bank
account" of affection and trust that forms the basis for future
communication with them about specific topics, including sexual behavior.
Be supportive and be interested in what interests them. Attend their
sports events; learn about their hobbies; be enthusiastic about their
achievements, even the little ones; ask them questions that show you
care and want to know what is going on in their lives.
Be courteous and respectful to your children and avoid hurtful teasing
or ridicule. Don't compare your teenager with other family members (i.e.,
why can't you be like your older sister?). Show that you expect courtesy
and respect from them in return.
Help them to build self-esteem by mastering skills; remember, self-esteem
is earned, not given, and one of the best ways to earn it is by doing
something well.
Try to have meals together as a family as often as possible, and use
the time for conversation, not confrontation.
A final note: It's never too late
to improve a relationship with a child or teenager. Don't underestimate
the great need that children feel-at all ages-for a close relationship
with their parents and for their parents' guidance, approval, and support.
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Topics:What do you really think about school-aged teenagers being sexually active-perhaps even becoming parents?
